Dear diary/jourmal/blog, I'm so sorry I started you and then left you high and dry. I've got thoughts and emotions whirlin' through this head of mine so it's time to get typing. I was browsing through my Europe pictures looking at the whirlwind of happiness I had visiting my gals in London and it got me thinking of something that's been weighing on me, something that often weighs on me. I hope to share not by means of saddling up Lucy (that's the name of my high horse I tend to ride, and in case you are wondering Lucy is a gray Thoroughbred and she is super fast and spirited and also happens to look a lot like a unicorn)....but rather as a means of well heck, maybe you feel this way too.
Every year on my birthday, I go through this "thing." I get super sensitive and it has nothing at all to do about turning a year older. Over the past 6 years or so I have gone through MAJOR friendship transitions that stung like hell and sent me straight to therapy and I still struggle. As we grow older, we change SO MUCH, and thus who we connect with can change just as much. Around the time I started my yoga teacher training is when the biggest shifts started to occur. I was changing. I was seeing more clearly those that were a positive light and those that were sucking every bit of emotion out of me through hurtful actions. I started to shy away from situations where I would have to be around the few that brought me down, interactions that would make me feel physically sick, which unfortunately also meant losing time with and hurting all of the ones who still continued to hold me up.
I was bullied when I was little and I don't know if I have ever even said that out loud. I would find "dog" "ruff ruff" and pictures of dogs (okay, I get it, you think I'm a dog) written all over my notebooks and folders. That's a hurt you never forget and you learn how to build walls so damn high real damn quick to prevent it from ever happening again. Said wall went up right when I felt similar emotions come back during that time. Slow fast forward and hundreds of therapy dollars later sans the details in between, the ones that were meant to stick, stuck, and that's what matters most.
Through the gift of yoga I have met some of the most magical, authentic, and caring beams of light from home and all over the world. Over recent years, I have made new friendships that feel like they've existed forever; I've had existing friendships grow even stronger; I've had some go through waves of ups and downs and back up again; I've reconnected and intend to reconnect with ones I miss so much; I have been thrown back through the friendship ringer with a situation that shattered me back into a million bazillion pieces; and had more people drop me as fast as you can drop it like it's hot. Life is a constant ebb & flow of change. It's just the way it is. And the more you change, the more you just want to cut the bullshit and hang out with people that get you and that only make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Which brings me back to my annual birthday crazy spell. After a couple shitty birthdays during aforementioned transitions, I get UBER sensitive on my birthday. It ain't pretty and it has nothing to do with it being my birthday. So much so that my husband now plans trips for us to go out of town almost every year on my bday. Without saddling Lucy, and having to pole jump to get on her back and ride off into the sunset, I'll just say this: remembering, any little thing, goes a long way ; taking the time to send any note of love any time goes even further; and social media has the power of feeling so loving and personal while feeling equally and hurtfully impersonal all at the same time.
When it comes down to it, I wouldn't say I have a "lot" of friends. I don't have a go-to group of girls that would take me out for my birthday or any occasion. And I am reminded of that each year. And each year, after I exit said crazy spell, and hop down from Lucy who somehow grows ten feet taller May 20, I become more okay with that. Or at least I try. BECAUSE I've got a lot of people from all over the world that love me. And the few friends I have, old and new, are g*damn awesome. And life should be less about quantity, more about quality, and about cherishing and growing. And mostly I remember the importance of continually showering those you love with love, without there needing to be an occasion to do so.
